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A Irishman and a German are the only survivors of a
plane crash on an island. They are walking around looking for food when
the German finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie appears.
The genie says, "I will grant each of you one wish. But, I must warn
you, whatever you wish for, the other man gets twice as much of."
The German goes first. He says "I'll have a glass
of Dortmunder Pilsner Beer. That way that Irish bastard will get two
glasses of it, and see what a real beer tastes like.
So the genie nods, and suddenly the German is
holding a glass of fine German beer, and Irishman is holding two
glasses of the same beer. The German says "Now taste a real beer, not
that Guinness sewage!"
The genie then turns to the Irishman and says "Now it's your turn, but
remember the German will get twice what you wish for."
The Irishman says "Genie, see that stick over
there? Beat me half to death with it."
Old
Man McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was
filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives."
Paddy
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
His
wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning
Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"Well, she spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the
Irishman.
Two
Irishmen are walking up a hill and they see a head roll by them. The
first Irishman says "Wasn't that old Paddy O'Tool? The second Irishman
says "I thought he was taller than that!"
Three
Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the
Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and
said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St.
Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman
remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on
the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying,
cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're
right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just
watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him
on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
A
young Irish boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me
Grandad."
"No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now"
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise."
"No, I don't want to."
"Oh please Granddad, make a frog noise.
"Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?"
"Mom says when you croak we can have this house"
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