Beer Jokes, Quotes, and Wisdom
pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down
and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the
cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I
cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I
was very proud of myself.
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?
A: They're both out looking for a tight seal.
Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the
road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he
rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie
came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three.
A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."
The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to have a drink drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"
man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he
just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell
over into the beer vat and drowned.
Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up . . . reading." Henny Youngman
"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." Dave Barry
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." George Burns
"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth." Steve Allen
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools." Ernest Hemmingway
"If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror." John Mooney
"I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver." Phil Harris
"Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink." Unknown
"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty". Joe Lewis
"I told the stewardess liquor for three."
- "Who are the other two? - "Oh, there are no other two."
Thanks to 2000 World Funny Car Champion Scott Weney, who sent me these quotes.